[Mackdanny]

Before I begin I just want to say I enclosed my story in spoilers because it is a long story, and also because my story is very deep, not saying it's the deepest but it's so deep that those who can't bear to read such a sad story (not insulting anybody, I'm just saying) will be pleased to know that I have taken the liberty of limiting your scrolling by doing so

Click here to see full text

you know as I was 18 I was getting into the real world, graduating high school an starting to understand life besides just parties and stupid sh** like that. Growing up my life was very difficult, but who's life isn't, right? Became a loner right after becoming a well liked guy but then became popular at age 13, only for people to resent me but I give two*sh**s less. Anyway we'll get right back on track, I was 18 and I started seeing the world for what it was, *
a vile cesspool of corruption, greed and treachery, if you want that in simpler terms it's "too many money grubbing backstabbing morons out here, y'all." sorry, I had to make myself laugh a little, I hope I made you laugh a little as well because it doesn't get any better from here. My senior year I liked a girl, I liked her toward the end of senior year, and I wanted to be with her more than *
anything you could ever throw at me. Eventually just days shy of my 19th I decided it was time to tell her. Around this time my life was getting worse and worse, all I could think about was being with her, hoping to get a job, my studies, and getting a car since the car I was supposed to inherit the moment I got a Driver's License f****ng had a faulty piston which in turn blew out the block, with parts costing an arm and a leg. It was around this time that I truly came to terms with the fact that you can't just get everything in life. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't naive or anything, it's just, well, with all that was happening, it started to become one big bummer. I was losing friends for stupid reasons such as "his girlfriend don't like me for some stupid*** reason" or I was losing female friends because of their stupid tightwad obsessive controlling boyfriends wanted to shut them off from the rest of the world (don't you hate when that happens? Join a cult then, yeah?) or because I had developed crushes on some of them and they somehow felt offended. A simple "we can still be friends" would have sufficed, but just cuz you don't like a guy doesn't mean you have to cut ties with him, I mean WTH? That's all stories for another time though, if I really listed EVERYTHING about my crappy life I might as well be looking for a publisher. So anyway, life at age 18 almost 19 was pretty f'ed up. But ehhh, it's a grown up world, it isn't always gonna be easy so I still held optimism. So those days shy of my 19th I finally decided to tell her. That plane was shot down so quickly with "I value our friendship too much to make it anything else, I wouldn't want the ending if the relationship to be the ending of the friendship." while I respect her viewpoint I sure as hell don't agree with it. A statement like that means that she just doesn't want to GIVE ME A CHANCE. she was my best friend, I'm not the same shallow person I was years ago, and yet she didn't web know that side of me ever existed. As she went home suddenly I felt my surroundings spin, I felt
A sudden loss if breath and within mere seconds I was sprightly tears faster than a monsoon could sprinkle rain.
I wasnt full on crying yet, I was just really let down. As I asked for my cousin to come pick me up, I tried hard not to talk the whole trip home, I feared any chance I had to open my mouth, even to sneeze, and I'd be crying instantly. As I got home, I tried so hard to suppress myself, literally so hard that my head was hurting. I tried to
Convince myself that I've been thru rejection before just like everyone else, this was no different, and to brush it off like *if it was just another one o those rejections. But, I couldn't. Finally after a good 20 minutes I succumbed and let it all out, I seriously lost so much liquid that I needed to go drink several glasses of water becuase it had made me feel fatigued and dehydrated. It was on that fateful night that I had stopped all aspects of optimism. Not only did I believe that I can't get everything (which, again is obvious, and if you believe you can get everything in life handed to you I just have one question: how can I get some of that stuff you're smoking?) but I started believing that I truly can't get NOTHING. nada, not even things I definitely am entitled to, I can't catch a F***ING break. On my 19th I drank lots and lots (luckily did not get drunk) and was with friends at a kickback thrown for me, some birthday it was. It helped me to not think about it. To this day I love drinking because it helps me cope with me otherwise suckish life. I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink that often (can't afford it) so I alternate between water and soda when I can. I also play video games and work on computers to ease the pain. Joining communities such as this one has also helped at times but only so much. When I was 20 I had made some very good friends. And yet..... I lost them too, unlike previous times this time it was my fault, I had driven them crazy with my negativity and being a downer, us it didn't really help that some other ba*****s were saying sh** about me just cuz they didn't like me, so I digress, I guess it wasn't ALL my fault, and I hope they rot in hell at times. when they, my closest friends at the moment, left, it was terrible, crying so hard I actually started developing a condition called PCS aka texidor's twinge. For those of you too lazy to look it up, PCS is a sharp stabbing pain that forms on the chest, and at times, the heart. it can be caused by too much stress in the area accumulated over long periods of time and can even be instant if triggered just right. The stress in question can be caused by, oh, I dunno, CRYING! this little condition, if persistent, can also cause wear and tear on the heart leading to what some people call "broken heart syndrome" which can be deadly. Yes, you literally can get your heart broken, that isn't just a phrase anymore. Not a day goes by that I don't cry, I'm just good at hiding it. And imma be real with you, I CAN'T STAND crying, I'm a stereotypical manly man who understands crying every once in a while is acceptable but still feels shame by it. But I can't help it, I've been able to resist it several times, but it takes great tolls at my body. And everyday I always feel it randomly coming, and I always am ok in one moment, but seconds later feel like utter crap. I feel like my body is stuck in a time loop, the loss of breath, the crying sensation, room spinning. I can't take it anymore. I also liked working but I went on medical leave and was diagnosed with bronchitis in may. However because the clinic I went to didn't follow proper procedure I was denied having my verification papers for work filled out, and subsequently screwed out of my job. Yet another WTF moment in my life. I plan on suing those f***ers blind though.... The clinic, not my employer. Because of that I am now unemployed, I need a job badly because I've gotta be able to pay bills and stuff. I can't afford to get help and when I can they know specifically NOT to give me meds. Me and mess don't hang. As a child I was always put on meds and they all gave me too many side effects. My mother doesn't understand me at all, everything I do, or don't do, is wrong. And what I continue she doesn't acknowledge for more than 10 minutes after I did it. She thinks just cuz the "meds worked when I was young"*
that I should give depression meds a chance. if meds work for you then that's fine, but they don't for me, and begging me or even forcing me to take some makes me feel like you're just trying to mold me into some conformist zombie who you can keep tabs on with all these chemicals. I got a job without them, and I graduated high school without them, so in my case, Ritalin can go f*** itself for all I care. And yes, I know other people have worse lives than me, I agree 100%. There are kids dying of hunger in other countries while I still have food. But you know what? I actually get offended by statements like that. I KNOW there are people with worse lives than me, but knowing that isn't gonna make me say "ok, you're right! Let's all go to the park!" my life still sucks to me, I'm basically dead inside and even though I do not believe in suicide or self mutilation I do feel like dying, I just don't want to keep going at times, but i don't want to end it myself, idk, I feel like wishing to not wake up one morning, suddenly collapse, you know. I just want to go painlessly and peacefully at times. So when people say "compared to others your life isn't so bad" I just want to smack em silly. Because it shows that you aren't listening, you just don't get me and you have to get the last word in just to be "right". I truly feel like no one gets me at times. They're all to busy preoccupied with mundane crap, and in that context I can't blame them, live your life you know. But if you don't *listen to me, like actually LISTEN to me and interrupt me with "you're life seems fine to me" just because you've got other things to worry about, like which girl you wanna have relations with on Friday or "I wonder how I'm gonna spend my tax return" then you're not a good friend/parent/counselor/ etc and you should be ashamed of yourself for wasting my time and yours. That's why it offends me when people say that. I write my rap music but now I've got to de with having f****ng writers block, and letting everybody down, as if my life doesn't suck
Already, as if I havent let alot of people down as it is. F*** man, like WTF, i once felt so bad I didn't want to eat... Lasted a 70 hour fast. Unless you count soda and water. As for what my vice is, it's food. Once I ordered two large specialty pizzas, from pizza hut... And before you know it, both boxes were empty. I ate it all, just because I don't turn to alcoholism, I turn to stuffing my face. Now I've gotta deal with the added weight of losing the added weight. The only blessing that came out of this is that now i can channel negativity well, since i see nothing but black in this world you would *otherwise see full of color, it helps that ive come to terms on my suckish life because now I absorb negativity so well, it just courses thru me like vitality itself, so what otherwise affects some leaves me unaffected. Not sure if that makes sense but idk how*To*Explain it. *In closing, I just want to say thank you if you actually read all this junk, sorry for writing a novel, and I want to remind you that I didn't become full blown depressed over a girl, that was just the last straw. Even though as I mentioned my life continued to get worse.... And still is.

[stuck?]

*** REALLY LONG READ ***

Sorry, I read everybody's responses the other night, and just got around to replying today. I apologize for the length of this response, but I really wanted to get back to everybody.

It's taken me roughly 2-3 hours to write this. Between real work and trying to drum up some thoughts :P

Again, it looks like my thanks button has gone rogue. Is it because I'm spamming thank you's? iunno Everybody deserves them.

@AliMoose Again, thank you. Trying to find that happy medium somewhere. Had to leave work for a bit; couldnt concentrate, sit still, nothing. Took a drive.

After work, took another drive and listened to Megadeth and Soulscar. And.. somewhere along the way, I stopped slouching, sat up straight, heard my back crack about 3-4 times, and then I had a smile on my face. Temporary happiness but i'll damn well take it

@Thelostdeathknight That all sounds about right. I'll substitute rum for Jager/Disaronno/Fireball though, and bass with guitar :P I like your process And that's what you have to do, keep occupied. Maybe I got ADD or something (here I go self diagnosing when I have no clue about all these diseases/issues). Sometimes I'll be in a completely intimate moment, and just blurt out laughing at some random thing in my head. Killing the moment heh.

@Zara Really good thought! It's a depressing thought itself, but it's truth unfortunately. There's always going to be somebody worse off than you. I know that my problems are petty, but can't help feeling like a bag of ass anyway. Many many people out there with real problems.

Would like to make a difference somehow, but money isn't my big strong suit. Trying to support myself let alone somebody else (thank god all those broken condoms didn't amount to anything) is hard. Doesn't feel right just givin $1 here and there lol. Donated to the humane society/animal shelter just the other day though.

One thing I've been wanting to do, that kind of helps me at the same time, is to compliment people. As I often think things in my head, such as "hey she looks good today" or "hey i like that shirt" just some examples. And I never say any of these things, because I just get a weird vibe/feeling if I get close to it. But people like hearing good things about them. And at the same time, it would help me get over my insecurities and shyness I believe.

Now to just figure out a way to ask out the girl @ the bank and not make a scene!

@japsander My bad, there goes my word mashing again. I didn't mean deterrant, but rather distraction? Well, definitely the kids would take priority. I'm in no way put off or mad or sad etc but not being able to game out with my best friend anymore. We get to play once and a while, and the kids love watching us play too. Glad your wife supports the gaming! That's a very rare thing! My buddies wife, coolest ****. She goes along with all of our crazy, weird, and silly antics; even joins in. She can put up with our stupidity until the cows come home.

The ex... she did NOT like me playing games at all. So many things that just came to a realization now. It's pretty messed up. All sorts of blinders on when you're "in love".

@superfurry I play a bit of guitar. I'm nowhere near an expert or anything, but I love to doodle around. Actually recorded a couple dozen songs, just me and my acoustic, everything made up on the spot. It's kind of juvenile, lots of songs. But I enjoy listening to them. And hearing all of the different reactions that people have.

One song, is called "Midget with an Attitude" and is about a midget who works to feed his family haha. Another is "Amputee" about a guy who lost his limbs in a band saw and table saw accident. By far my favourite song I've written.

I wouldn't mind sharing them. I'm open to all critics lol. I can guarantee lots of people will say "this is friggin garbage". But some people may like it? Just some basic power chords, and drug induced lyrics. It's funny tho. An old buddy had a radio show he ran from his house through winamp. I went on there, played some songs, did an interview lol. Now my buddy has a radio show at our local University so I'm on there playing music and dj'ng a bit with him (ok dj'ing is the wrong word but, what is?).

If anybody would like to hear my strange works, I can set something up so you can laugh, cry, or smile, or whatever you want :P

@Dev-Dave Regardless of the fact that we all know very, little about each other, and who knows who we all really are, it's still a good feeling to see the outpour of support. I've made some damn good friends online, and a bunch have turned into real life friends.

It's also a lot easier to talk to somebody not face to face. And some random person. They offer a totally non-biased view. And you cant see facial expressions, hear the tone of voice, etc. All those reasons are, however, reasons why I would rather talk to somebody face to face about problems too haha. That was a big issue with my ex. It was all text message/bbm bull****. I tried to talk about things face to face, and it was all me doing the talking. When she decided to open up and attempt to talk about something bothering her, it was via text message. Another thing that lead to the demise of us. Anyway, it's a learning thing!

@kgb_ Ahhh, wish I could flirt haha. Very bad at it. I'm 28 years old, and I've had a crowning achievement of .. 2 girlfriends haha. The two women I've had the pleasure of being with, I just felt so strong about when I met them, and knew I had to do something about. I've certainly had numerous opportunities for relationships, random one night stands, etc. but I never take those opportunities. I have very strong morals and thoughts about things. I act that way with friends too. I have my very very few good friends, and I like to keep it that way. I've had all sorts of acquaintances and things but, prefer to keep people close and few. There's reasons why I have my friends and the reasons I chose to get involved with certain people.

Never been good at flirting though. Not ugly or deformed or anything lol. My constant mashing of words online and real life, make for amusing and embarassing situations :P

@iDelete Totally agree. I've had lots of great philosophical thoughts and revelations in the shower! It's a very relaxing place. Also had painful experiences there haha. I was washing my hair one day, and all of a sudden, the back of my head just started throbbing uncontrollably. Just above my neck in the back of my head. I screamed, fell to the ground and clutched my head. After about a minute, it was over.

Time is proof that nothing lasts forever. It's the best natural healing .. thing. Unfortunately, time can feel like it's so slow, or so fast depending on the situations.

@lebofly Heh heh, "it says here on your chart, you're ****ed up. Uhh you talk like a fag and you're **** is all retarded" One of my all time favourite movies, Idiocracy. "My first wife, was tarded. She's a pilot now!" That movie just spawned so many awesome quotes "Hi, yeah im actually supposed to be in that line" *smack* "Dumbass, you're in the wrong line".

If there ever was a movie (besides Naked Gun: The Smell of Fear) that made me laugh uncontrollably, Idiocracy is one of them! Thank you for that awesome clip! "Welcome to Costco, I love you!"

@meryno I agree on the whole "no meds" thing, but, there comes a point when nothing else works, you may have to take that road. You =/= I. I like your idea with the sawed off. My buddy goes out hunting and I go along sometimes. Always fun to fire off the 4-10 and .22

Along with your comment "i feel our traits could be superior if used properly" I agree completely. We just need to learn how to control our thoughts, and actions a whole lot more than we are currently. I believe it is possible, we just have to open ourselves up to that possibility and not stay confined to what we know is tangible and possible.

and again I lost my thanks button.

@OoZic That's just brutal. My sympathies for you and your family. I know how bad cancer is, as it's all over my family too. That's just absolutely pathetic on the government's part. I don't even know what to say. I don't wish bad things upon any body either, but there are some people that just, deserve it. I wish you the best of luck for the future. Hope everything turns around for you and your family!

@KillerBug I'd say hacking is an art too. It's a different classification, but I'd say it's still an art. You do what you love.

@Daveyp187 Basic, but necessary necessities! 2 Thumbs up!

@Mackdanny First off, let me say it was a bit hard to read without paragraph breaks but I got through it :P

Like I said to Annelies, there will always be somebody out there who understands you, and what you're going through. You believe in a lie when you think that there is not.

Before I go any further, let me please say that this is just based on my personal opinion and experiences.

I may not understand the issue on a personal whole, but I completely understand how you feel. I've had all those thoughts, and even that PCS condition you described. The pain in your chest/heart area. Never understood why it happened. Thought it was all normal for years. Seems to have gone away though.

The teen years were pretty brutal. It's when you first start to see life for what it is; all sorts of realizations and revelations. New experiences, new ways of thinking. It's scary, it still is scary and I'm almost 30. These years are there to teach us these things. Like the issue with your friends, or the best girlfriend who doesn't want to take it as anything more than a friendship. These things suck, but they're there to build our character and shape us for the rest of the trials and trivia we get pushed into in the later years.

I can't say everything will get better, or won't get any worse. I don't know what life holds for myself let alone you. One piece of advice that I find works really well is the following:

THINK POSITIVE! It's god damn hard to do, especially when things around you seem to be at their worst. But believe me...when you change the way you think, the world around you changes too. If there's one piece of advice I can give anybody, it's to think positive.

Its hard to believe, but everything in our world, revolves around how we interact with things, and how we think. If you project your thoughts in an all negative matter, you will attract negativity. If you think positive, you will attract positivity.

It kind of seems that you're out on a limb clinging to hope, but there's truth to it.

The two women I had the chance to have a relationship with, ****ed me around quite a bit. My first love, turned out to be cheating on me with a dude from her work. I broke up with her, and for many months after that I tried to get back together with her, hoping things would work out. And they did not. I slumped into a giant depression, lost 50 lbs because I didn't eat, and rarely went out. I got over it though, after I changed the way I thought about things.

If those bad things didn't happen to me, I would have never learned that there's other opportunities out there for me. I wouldn't have had the chance to meet all of the people I did after the fact. Sure, I was hurt. Pretty bad, but I learned to forgive and forget. And one thing, is that you can't get mad at somebody for their feelings. It could be the same thing for me one day. I'll meet a girl, fall in love, then maybe down the line the REAL love of my life will come around and I cheat. I'd never cheat though. Sooner break up first than cheat.

My current ex, from the minute i saw her, I knew i wanted to be with her. It was fate. She worked at my buddy's daycare. One day I went back to ask her out, she wasnt there. And the kids got pulled from daycare.

Several months later, my friends wife got a job as a DJ. She did a show on new years eve, and the girl whom I had that crush on was at the new years show. And asked about me. We started seeing each other a week after that. It was like it was meant to be.

But then, **** happens, everything I said or did I would get *****ed at for. Eventually she decided she was not having sex with me anymore, and for a year, gave me three bogus reasons why. Up until the end of our relationship, she had lied to me about it. When I mentioned something that bothered me, she'd make it her mission to keep doing things knowing that it hurt me. There was one guy in particular, that kept giving her gifts, asked her to dinner at his place, to watch movies etc. THIS bothered the **** out of me. And I told her, but she did not give a ****. Eventually, she was gonna go to vegas with him for her birthday (made plans with him after we broke up for a short time) but didnt end up going. We went to chicago instead.

Now, we're done for good, and my best friends dad took a road trip, and saw HER and THE GUY together, on a trip to the states. Mhmm..

That's just the short version.

Now, I near the end of my enormous rant.

Thank you everybody for your responses and stories. It's not easy to share personal things with people, let alone some stranger you don't know from some other person's *******.

Just remember, you're never alone. Think positive. Be hopeful. Don't let yourself sink deeper and deeper into a depressive hole. Good things do happen, you just have to let them into your life and give them a chance to happen.

so, please, if there's anything from this that you may have read, let it be my comments about positive thinking. As I can't think of anything truer.

Thank you, again, everybody!

[Dev-Dave]

I have just Rated this thread as Excellent. I only wish I could wright as truthful and eloquently as many of you here can, big up to you all.

[iDelete]

Originally Posted by stuck? *** REALLY LONG READ *** @iDelete Totally agree. I've had lots of great philosophical thoughts and revelations in the shower! It's a very relaxing place. Also had painful experiences there haha. I was washing my hair one day, and all of a sudden, the back of my head just started throbbing uncontrollably. Just above my neck in the back of my head. I screamed, fell to the ground and clutched my head. After about a minute, it was over. Time is proof that nothing lasts forever. It's the best natural healing .. thing. Unfortunately, time can feel like it's so slow, or so fast depending on the situations.

Agreed. I also had a bad situation when taking a shower. I fell, hit something (please don't ask ), and needed stitches. Yeah. I guess time really can go by fast or slow. In my case it's going by slow.

[MajorDisaster]

I have ADHD and been diagnosed with depression, My mind feels like it's racing I can't considerate on one thing. I would suggest talking with your doctor and see what He/She says. My doctor prescribe me medication for my depression and ADHD and they help a lot I don't feel 100% better but far better than I used to feel.

If you do see your doctor and If He/She does prescribe meds to you keep in mind the meds won't make you feel better right away they take time, your doctor will explain it all to you.

[japsander]

Originally Posted by MajorDisaster If you do see your doctor and If He/She does prescribe meds to you keep in mind the meds won't make you feel better right away they take time, your doctor will explain it all to you.

i remember that alright.
2 months of severe panic and depression after starting them but it levels out nicely.

just dont start them unless you are prepared to be on them indefinately.
they are not a cure but more of a helping hand to deal with it

[OoZic]

Originally Posted by stuck? *** REALLY LONG READ ***

(cut)
-----------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for taking the time to reply to everybody and your personal answer to me

The one thing that helps for me also is to write. It helps me to understand the problems better. That is also why I wrote my story.

I have one thing to ad I have forgotten to mention:

I have cluster headache (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_headache) since 1997. 2 or 3 periods from 2 to 3 months each a year I have to use medical oxygen and Imigran injections to fight this disease. They also call it suicide headache because of the terrible pain that comes with it.

That is the main reason I only have some very good friends and won't start with a relation with someone I don't really know. My last GF started crying everytime when I went through an attack (that doesn't help me at that moment...) and couldn't handle it anymore after some time. And I can't blame her because my behavior changes a lot in these periods. The disease is also hereditary, so if I get children there is a change one of them gets cluster headache also.

In combination with my story before one can imagine I feel depressed I hope. Got some meds from the doctor (oxazepam) to handle the death of my dad a bit better. Problem is I hate medication so i have to force myself to take them.

[advocatusdiaboli]

There are two things that can help the depression:

Expose your body to sunshine for 5 - 30 mins pr day.
Physical Workout

The first one gives your body vitamine D
The other one just makes people happy in general.

************* [ - Post Merged - ] *************

Originally Posted by OoZic (cut) ----------------------------------------------------------- I have cluster headache (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_headache) since 1997. 2 or 3 periods from 2 to 3 months each a year I have to use medical oxygen and Imigran injections to fight this disease. They also call it suicide headache because of the terrible pain that comes with it.

If this is the same as Horton, taking LSD might help: Link The treatment is 100% operational and does not cure, but might be used as a pain relief.

[OoZic]

Originally Posted by advocatusdiaboli There are two things that can help the situtation: Expose your body to sunshine for 5 - 30 mins pr day. Physical Workout ************* [ - Post Merged - ] ************* If this is the same as Horton, taking LSD might help: Link The treatment is 100% operational and does not cure.

I know

I have used mushrooms in the past and they helped a lot. Problem is they aren't legal anymore here in the Netherlands (what is...). So if I want them again i have to buy them on the black market. Not happy about that. When they where legal I knew for sure they were safe, now I don't know. I am looking into growing my own.....

And it is also called Horton's disease, you are correct about that. Thank you for the link

[AliMoose]

Writing is another thing that helps me. I don't remember if I mentioned that or not. I like to write songs and record them (rap/hip-hop songs). My YouTube page has some of my songs which contain actual emotions of mine about actual situations, for the most part. Some things are better said and expressed through writing and I'm way better at expressions my thoughts and emotions through text rather than verbally. Working out is another great idea. I just wish I was able to push myself to turn it into a routine. I just can't get myself to do it for some reason and it really annoys me because I actually want to turn it into a routine. A nice hot shower is always great for me as well. I probably think the best in there. It's just so nice and relaxing having the hot water hit you and it helps clear my mind a lot. I respect everybody in here and what all of you are going through and I know it's hard but have faith in yourselves and have faith in the future bringing happiness to you all. It may not seem like it now and it may seem like the whole world is against you but in the end everything will work out. Just don't let the depression and anger get in the way of progressing in life. That will only lead to more depression and anger.